


three times david lied to his friends and one time he decided to tell the truth

by cinvmatic



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: 5+1 Things, Always Bisexual David Dobrik, Anxiety, Anxious David, David Dobrik Needs A Hug, David Needs To Use His Words, F/M, Panic Attacks, Scott is a Good Friend, Sorry Not Sorry, david is gay on the down low, except i only did 3 things, just kidding he’s bisexual, literally just me projecting through david, overuse of the word fuck on multiple occasions, so don’t squint, the gay agenda never rests, there's some scott/david if u squint, you'll understand once you read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-05-15 06:12:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14785011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinvmatic/pseuds/cinvmatic
Summary: david squeezes his eyes shut and tries to breathe normally. he tries, over and over, but his lungs aren't cooperating and he doesn't know what to do because everything hurts.everything hurts and fuck, his friends really weren't supposed to see this.[or: david realises that telling his friends about his anxiety might not be the worst thing in the world]





	1. negative one

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: descriptive scenes containing anxiety and panic attacks
> 
> authors note: i’m not trying to glorify mental illness or imply that david has anxiety in real life. this is just a story based on my personal feelings and experiences. also, i’m sorry if this is extremely out of character, it’s the first fic i’ve written that features any of the vs. feel free to give me some feedback and constructive criticism! i hope you enjoy!
> 
> ... 
> 
> EDIT: heya folks, so i wrote this story at the start of 2018 (seven months ago, give or take) and after reading it over i've decided to change the pov to third person rather than first. dw though! the plot is exactly the same, i've just edited it differently this time round. i like to believe my writing style has not only changed, but also improved, and i think it sounds much better like this. i also chaptered it so you aren't reading a big ol' cluster of words. if you preferred the old version better, i'm really sorry! -ty

“Where are you going?”

David ignores Liza’s question in favour of making a beeline straight to the bathroom. The minute he gets inside a stall he feels tears fall onto his cheeks and he tries his best to take deliberate breaths - he needs to slow his breathing before he fucking passes out.

_Pathetic._

Tears fall from his eyes faster, and frustration builds in his chest when he can’t get his breathing right.

_I can't believe I'm having a fucking panic attack in a Target bathroom._

It's his fault, really. At least, that's what David tells himself. Someone knocked into him (it wasn’t even on purpose, the poor woman was just trying to grab her misbehaving toddler), he dropped his camera, and anyone who was standing in his and Liza's vicinity turned to look at them. It isn't the lady's fault that the little kid started crying from the loud noise.

 _It isn't her fault at all, I shouldn’t have been in the fucking way._  

After an agonizing amount of time, David's breathing finally slows and he sits on the closed lid of the toilet with his head in his hands. He contemplates walking out of the bathroom and just _telling her_ , telling _somebody_ that no matter how hard he tries he can't help but freak out every time he leaves his house or uploads a video or fucking _breathes_ at the wrong moment, but he decides against it. As soon as the words “I think I have social anxiety” leave his mouth, he’ll be given a look full of pity and told some sort of bullshit like “you’re so strong” or “I’m so proud of you” and god knows he'd rather die than be told that it’s “going to be okay”. 

Eventually, he gets up and washes his face at the sinks. You can tell that he's been crying - his face is blotchy, his eyes are red-rimmed and god, does he look tired. These days, he always looks tired. The bags under his eyes are practically permanent at this point but nobody seems to be able to tell the difference anymore and well, David doesn’t know how to feel about that. He would’ve happily stayed in bed all day, but Liza needed his help filming and he couldn’t just say no to her, he couldn’t let her down like that. If she knew how he felt, if she knew how anxious he was every fucking second of every fucking day and how much he wanted to jump off a fucking bridge, she would never forgive herself.

_Telling her that I’m in pain would only hurt her too._

David decides to keep his mouth shut.

He exits the bathroom and goes back to the isle that himself and Liza were in before he walked off. As soon as Liza hears footsteps behind her she turns around, ready to yell at David for leaving her alone without an explanation. She opens her mouth to speak, but after seeing his face her gaze softens and is instantly etched with concern.

“Babe? Have you been crying?”

David tries his best for normalcy. 

“What? Of course not,” he lets out a dry chuckle and ducks his head. Liza can always tell when he's lying to her.

“No, you definitely have been. What’s wrong?”

_I hate how fucking nice she is. She should be mad at me for leaving her by herself, but instead she’s worried about why my eyes are red and puffy. I don’t deserve her._

“Seriously Liza, I haven’t been crying. Is my camera okay?”

She nods and passes it over for David to examine. He can see her staring from his peripheral vision, and as he's checking the lens she speaks up again.

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

He stops his movements to glance up at her. A smile quickly makes its way to his face. 

“Positive.”

Liza doesn't get a chance to say anything else. Before she realises what he's doing, David's legs swiftly move towards the exit and soon enough they're driving home, conversation long forgotten.

It’s only once Liza is fast asleep that night does David let the smile leave his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on the hellsite known as tumblr: cinvmatic.tumblr.com


	2. negative two

David sighs and begrudgingly gets out of his Tesla, instantly regretting his decision. As soon as his feet touch the ground, he hears a chorus of people call out his name and very slowly makes his way towards the group beckoning him over. He nods in return as Gabbie, Zane, Heath, Scott, Todd, Kristen and Jason all say their greetings, and silently hopes that no one can see how much he's shaking. 

It’s Gabbie’s birthday, so she invited everyone out for dinner at a fancy restaurant. The others look super stoked to be there and really, David doesn't mean to be a downer, but he's already thinking about making up an excuse, leaving, and calling it a night.

_I’m bound to be sobbing in the bathroom in about an hour._

Any other night he'd be okay. Any other night he might've been able to toughen up and go with the flow, but Liza isn't here and he doesn't know what to do. She loves going out and always acts as a safety blanket when it comes to events like this, but she’s currently in bed with the flu meaning David is alone. He's alone, in front of all of these fucking people.

_Oh, god. They're probably staring at me._

He tried to stay with her, he really did, but she practically forced him out of the house. She stated that she didn’t want to make anyone ill or prevent David from having fun with their friends, but little does she know that the latter would do literally anything to be in her position right now.

After talking outside for a while, the eight friends decide to make their way inside the building. David doesn't know if that makes his heart rate better or worse, and he doesn't think he wants to find out.

As everyone is walking inside, Scott places his hand on his shoulder.

“Hey dude, you all good? You’re shaking…" 

David freezes, but only for a second. Scott notices.

“Yeah! Of course I’m good, man, just cold I guess,” David shoots him a smile and forces a laugh, but Scott very clearly isn’t buying it.

“Seriously Dave, what’s up?”

_This can’t be fucking happening. Not here, not in front of everyone._

“I said I was fine. Now get the fuck off me.”

David yanks his shoulder out of Scott's grasp and catches up to the rest of the group. A waiter walks them to a table, and David takes a seat between Gabbie and Jason. He tries to control his breathing without bringing too much attention to himself, pretending not to notice the look Scott is giving him from across the table. He manages to keep himself together, and after a few minutes of looking at the menu the waiter comes back to take each of their orders.

David wipes his palms on his jeans and prays to whatever entity he can that he doesn’t have to go first, but apparently all of his friends want him to fucking die because as soon as the server asks what we’re having, none of them hesitate to turn their heads in his direction.

He tries to ignore how much he stutters when he finally manages to say what he wants to eat.

By the time everyone else orders, David feels as though his heart is beating out of his chest. Gabbie sends him a questioning look but he doesn’t acknowledge it. 

_I need to get out of here._

His legs are like jelly as he stands up from his seat. He mumbles an excuse before dashing to the nearest men’s room, leaving his friends' worried eyes behind him. 

If his face is red and his breathing is odd when he gets back to the table, nobody seems to notice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on the hellsite known as tumblr: cinvmatic.tumblr.com


	3. negative three

A few weeks after Gabbie’s birthday, she invites David to come to the mall. On most occasions he’d say no, but the former genuinely thinks they haven’t been spending much time together, so no matter how much David wants to decline her invitation he still shrugs on a hoodie and gets into his car. He'd rather make her happy than focus on himself.

_I don’t want to be selfish._

They'd been at the center for at least half an hour when David hears it. A large group of teenage girls scream at him and Gabbie, and as soon as the phrase " _look! it's David Dobrik!"_  leaves their mouths he knows he's fucked. Their voices are too loud, so loud that it turns into white noise and all David can hear is his heart drumming out of his chest. It’s too hot, too clammy and he needs to get out. 

_I can’t breathe._

He pushes past the crowd of at least fifty people and runs as fast as he can to the nearest restroom. Tears burn behind his eyes and although he can hear Gabbie struggling to apologise to everyone, he keeps going.

She catches up with him before he makes it to a bathroom. 

“David! Are you okay?”

Gabbie grabs David's arm and tries to turn him around.

“No! Gabbie, don't you dare fucking touch me-”

David wheezes and tears fall freely onto his cheeks. He feels more panic rise from inside his chest as he tries to breathe again because _what the fuck, it’s supposed to be over by now why is it lasting so long oh my god I’m gonna die I can’t fucking breathe-_

A sob escapes David's throat and he reaches blindly for something to ground him. His chest burns, and he reluctantly holds onto Gabbie's outstretched hand.

_This is so fucking embarrassing._

“Gabbie, please-" 

“What can I do? How can I help?"

David closes his eyes.

“Make it stop, please, I don't-"

“Wait, are you having a panic attack?”

He nods his head pathetically and keeps his eyes closed. Gabbie guides him towards a bench to sit down and after following her breathing for a while David finally manages to get his own under control. 

“How did you do that?” he asks.

“Do what?” 

“Uh, make it stop so quickly?”

Gabbie pauses.

“How long have you been having panic attacks, David?”

He keeps his head down and his lips sealed. 

“David?”

 _Maybe I should lie, it’s not like I’ve never done it before. Besides, I can’t tell her._  

“I don’t know what you mean. That was the first.”

“Don’t bullshit me.”

“Listen, Gabbie-"

“David.”

David lets out a sigh and puts his head back.

“I’ve been having them since high school, but... it's gotten worse. _Keeps_ getting worse.” 

“Does anyone know?”

“No?” 

Gabbie gives David a somewhat disappointed look, and he averts his eyes. She sighs.

“Why haven't you told anyone?”

David's gaze returns to his lap again.

“I don’t know?” he shrugs, “I don’t want anyone to pity me. I don’t want all of you looking out for me, I’m an adult and I should be able to handle this myself.” 

_I'm already enough of a burden._

“Just because you _should_ be able to handle something alone doesn’t mean you _have to._ There’s no shame in asking for help with something like this, I don’t pity you and I doubt that anyone else will. We love you.”

David finally looks up at Gabbie, tears in his eyes (although this time they aren’t from the oncoming panic creeping up on him). She stares back expectantly, but David can’t find the words to reply.

“You know we love you, right?” 

The look on his face clearly gives away his answer, and when Gabbie pulls him into a hug he doesn't hesitate to return it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on the hellsite known as tumblr: cinvmatic.tumblr.com


	4. positive one

David is sitting at Jason, Todd and Scott’s house when he next feels the familiar tightening of his chest. 

_What the fuck._

He really doesn’t understand. One minute he's laughing along with everyone, and the next he can barely muster a single breath. These ones are probably the worst, his entire body panics for no apparent reason and he can’t stop it.

David breathes in and out through his nose so it’s harder for him to hyperventilate, but after a while he's still shaking and he still can’t breathe and now people are beginning to notice. Jason is looking at him with furrowed eyebrows and Todd isn’t laughing anymore and suddenly all eyes are on David.

Scott starts to say something, but David can’t hear him over the ringing in his ears - no matter how hard he tries. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to breathe normally. He tries, over and over, but his lungs aren't cooperating and he doesn't know what to do because everything hurts.  

Everything hurts and fuck, his friends really weren't supposed to see this. 

The voices around him sound like they're underwater and David feels like he's drowning. He can't seem to get enough oxygen into his body, and the next voice he hears is Kristen asking him if he's okay. 

“I can’t fucking breathe,” he manages to wheeze, gripping his chest as tightly as he can because he’d rather rip out his own lungs than be panicking in front of everyone right now. 

Something in the room shifts, and David feels the couch dip beside him. There’s a few hushed whispers, and he can only imagine what they’re saying.

_They probably think I'm a freak. They probably think I’m crazy and I’m stupid and why the fuck did I do this? Now everyone hates you, you’ve lost everyone and you should’ve left-_

A few tears escape David's eyes and fall onto his cheeks. He feels someone take his hand and place it on their own chest.

“David? David, it’s Scott. I need you to breathe with me, okay? Just copy me.”

It takes a while, but eventually his breathing is back to normal and David reluctantly opens his eyes. There are tear tracks covering his cheeks and his friends are gathered in a group around him.

David sits up straight and casts his eyes towards the floor. 

“Thanks, Scott.”

His words come out mumbled and he quickly stands up from the couch. David can feel tears building up behind his eyes, not because he's panicking again but because he's so fucking embarrassed. He tries to take a step towards the front door but all of a sudden there's spots dancing in front of his eyes and Scott is pulling him back towards the couch.

“Hey, dude, sit down. Do you need water? That always helps me after-“ 

“After what?” David challenges, “Whatever you think that was, it just- it wasn’t that. I’m fine.”

“David-“

“Can you fucking back off?”

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

Scott sighs. 

“I’m not going to back off. First this happens at dinner, then with Gabbie-“ 

“How do you know about that?"  

“She told me. You can’t just pretend anymore David, you have to talk to us.”

“I don’t have to do shit.”

David turns back around but Scott grabs him by the shoulder.

“You’re having _panic attacks,_ David! That isn’t normal, we know you aren’t fine so can you _please_ just accept our help?”

The phrase _panic attack_ bounces off the walls and the room falls completely silent. David fully turns around to see Scott looking at him through glassy eyes, but they aren’t full of pity like he had assumed. Scott is silently pleading for him to stay and when David looks around at everyone else, their gazes are no different. 

They look like they actually care.

He stares at his friends a moment longer before the wall finally breaks. The wall David spent so many years building, the one he was sure he could keep up forever comes crashing down and Scott steps forward to hold him whilst he cries.

They sit down for a while, and shortly after David's eyes are finally dry and his head stops aching, Liza shows up. All she has to do is take one look at him and his bloodshot eyes before he's being pulled into her embrace. She doesn’t ask about what happened, and David's never been more thankful. The others stay quiet and although they don’t talk about it now, he knows they will eventually, and that's okay.

It’s okay, because they’re okay and that’s all that matters.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on the hellsite known as tumblr: cinvmatic.tumblr.com


End file.
